Attachment Rituals for Loving Relationships.

Sarah Whitmire, PhD, LMFT-S, LCMHC-S

Connection. Attachment. Love. Safety. All conditions we need to experience in order to live optimally. Often times, when people seek therapy, it is to find these circumstances - whether to heal old wounds, reestablish attachment, or learn coping skills for emotional safety. Whatever we each are seeking, here are a list of some ideas to help boost attachment and connection in your relationships:

Rise and shine and give a little love in the morning. I love my bed. Like, reaaaaaalllly love my bed. So, naturally, mornings have the potential of being excruciating for me. However, my husband (Derek) is a chatter-box in the morning after his 5am runs. These two conditions don’t pair well. And to be honest, I just want to throw a book at his jolly head. Yet Derek’s lighthearted approach in the mornings consistently rubs off on me - he sets intention to wake early, run, and come back to his family feeling reenergized and ready to support the sleep-loving-girls in his home. Giving a little love in the mornings goes a long way. Starting your mornings with a touch, a smile, a kiss, a hot cup of coffee and talk can positively impact your day. Where there is connection and warmth, there is an energy that rubs off on others in the home and all the people you interact for the rest of the day.

15-Minutes of Play. Whether you play board, card, or video games. Whatever you prefer, just PLAY! Recently, Santa brought my kids a Nex Playground. And it has been such a box of joy for us. The entire family loves to play various games, moving our bodies, laughing, and building memories. We’ve always been a family that plays games - playing together has become a ritual for us. Rituals are like glue for families, they are the glue that binds and make families resilient. And this is the resiliency we all need during times of stress - it gives us an ability to bounce back.

Please forgive me. Many moons ago, I went through a period of ‘an apprenticeship with death’ and read as many books as I could about this topic…”Being Mortal”…”On Death and Dying” …”With the End in Mind: Dying, Death, and Wisdom in an Age of Denial”…”Dying Well”… “The 4 Things that Matter Most” and others. These books have influenced how I approach the intimate relationships in my life. One common theme in these books is the notion of forgiveness and letting go - and the healing we can experience by acknowledging our wrong doings and asking for forgiveness. It is an act of humility and vulnerability, and the “secret sauce” in repairing a relationship. Sitting with the tough emotions associated with how we have hurt others is excruciating - and necessary for growth.

All couples and families have wronged or hurt one another at some point in the timeline of their relationship. We are not always the “perfect” partner or parent. And under stress, we all regress - the regression being a projection of our animalistic side. But we can learn to reconnect within our relationships with a few simple words: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. It is painful, yet humbling, to acknowledge that you have hurt someone you love. And it is exactly that pain and humility that helps us develop more depth and compassion in life - and hopefully, in turn, share it with others.

What were the ‘goods’ and ‘bads’ of the day? Derek and I have this ritual with our girls. Each day we ask them about the “goods” and the “bads” of the day, and what they learned from the experiences. This helps us develop a deeper understanding of what their challenges were for the day - along with the moments of gratitude. These talks help us foster a culture of open communication and understanding in our home, and set the foundations for long term connection with our daughters.

Go for a 10 minute walk outdoors. Just get outside. Go for a walk at lunch or at the end of the day to reset. Breathe in fresh air, get some sun, and move your body. Many people get up, drive to work, work, leave work, drive home, sit on the couch, and then go to bed - the only outdoor time they get is walking to and from their cars. That is terrible for your body. In my work as a therapist, I encourage all my clients to engage in some sort of movement outdoors - and pair it with another family member. The effects are two fold: your body and relationships benefit.

Keep striving for attachment and connection in your relationships - it’s the best long-term investment you can make!

The Avett Brothers.